i quit my job tomorrow
Feels weird to write something like that (title). for some, that is really empowering. for some, it may be a last resort. this was a weird mix of both for me.
i left my last job out of desperation. to keep it short, i was bullied. it wasn't pretty.
this time around, i was stressed out of my mind. i broke, i stumbled, i felt like a failure many times. and i didn't want to. i wanted to do well and be recognized for doing well. i wanted to help others and be the shoulder people can step on so they may climb the fence. i was better at the latter, i think.
i struggled with the customer facing environment. the tall expectation that customers have to just 'know' everything, and have the ability to fix it. it was as though the only line that may interface with customers, were the front line. and we were told we had to be responsible for fixing everything.
i struggled with the dynamics internally. when i asked questions, it always felt as though i was just short a puzzle piece or just short of the right question to ask. almost as though it felt like i shouldn't belong. that might be true. IT customer service is brutal. especially on an enterprise level. have you ever been told, if you fix this issue, people will die. i saw that in a ticket that came my way. i couldn't breathe. i reached out to my manager about it. i literally told them, there's no way i can be responsible for this ticket.
the work load was tough too. we were constantly pushed tickets, with no end. no room to breathe, because if you had that, you had to be working on the next. it felt like i was mentally sprinting for 9 hours a day (i worked often on my lunches). i would come home. tired. and fell so fucking drained.
ive been doing this for a year. im glad im quitting. but im not glad im leaving many good people behind. they're adults too, they can make the decision themselves if they stay or go. i cant burden myself with that.
maybe im being a brat, but i know what i feel. ive taken on too much. and i burned for it. part of me feels regret, for leaving. but thats the emotional brain talking. still thinking that i can continue taking on people's burdens. its not feasible.
i'll start my new job on monday. someone mentioned its like graduating high school. once you hit the end, there's a surreal moment, of fear, excitement, anxiety, and pride. fear of not fitting in. excitement for a change. anxiety for failing. and pride, that this was my decision. this was me, and me alone. i did this. i did it.
i feel eager. i feel overwhelmed. i feel powerful. i feel apprehensive. i feel sorrow very strongly.
but most important of all, i feel positive. this is right for me.